Friday, September 7, 2012

K is for ...

K is for... Kevinisms.

(To those of you who thought K might be for Kardashians, even a rant against, I offer you a middle finger raised in salute and an artfully blown raspberry. While I do rail against the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse, I also do not want to give them any more attention if at all possible, seeing as how it is like oxygen to them, and maybe if we deprived them of that essential element, they might just GO THE F AWAY.)

Kevin is my brother, a magical creature who twists the English language around any which way to suit him, both intentionally and unintentionally.

Kevinisms are some of his sayings and malapropisms we've heard over the years. I'm sure my sister and my mom will think of more, but for now, here's a starter glossary.

     A Ritz cracker Kevin ALLEGEDLY consumed at the bar after my wedding that had a hair on it that looked like it only could have come from someone’s butt. (He says he thinks he knows who purposely placed it there.) After he unwittingly consumed the Asscracker, it required seventeen 36-oz ginger ales to wash the taste out of his mouth.  (PS- None of this is true.)

Crack your rind
    What can happen to your rectum if you try too hard to fart on demand.

Do you have pickles? /  Doin' the bacon
     What Kevin wrote in a note to Brett (on his Dallas Cowboys stationery) the night he accidentally took too much Prozac.  Apparently, after he'd taken his evening dose twice, Kevin spent the evening hysterically laughing, writing notes to us, and then sitting "Indian-style" on his bed crying after he crashed. He recalls the incident rather sheepishly, but without trauma.

     A mysterious ailment that can only be cured with an ointment called Vanilla Smiles. You can only get Vanilla Smiles at the Dollar General (or as my mother and now Brett call it, the General Dollar).  Vanilla Smiles is very effective at eradicating the Dibbles, but whatever you do, don't get it on your Fireman.

For Cereal & Bacon Bits
     Exclamatory phrase similar to "For serious!" but with more flair.

French Horse
     My dad made the mistake of using the colorful phrase, "You smell like a French whore" in response to someone wearing a lot of perfume or cologne a few too many times. It became, in Kevin's world, "You smell like a French Horse." Which, I'm guessing, is not very pleasant, either.

Generosity Killed the Cat
     I'm assuming you've heard the original version.

Green Mile-ing
     This one's sad, since Michael Clarke Duncan, who played John Coffey in the Green Mile, just died. Kevin was particularly taken by John Coffey's healing skills in the movie. When my mom would get a headache, Kevin would place one hand on her head and open his mouth as wide as he could (which is insanely wide, you'd think he posed for those Reach toothbrush ads where the guy can unhinge his jaw) and pretend to "Green Mile" the headache out of her.

     Hospital. Interestingly, my grandmother also pronounced this word oddly.

     Pronounced "Jimmy." Kevin decided at one point in his youth that he wanted to be called "Jimmy." JIME is how he spelled it when he signed birthday cards and such. (And always capital letters.) We would irritate him by pronouncing "Jime" rhyming with "lime." A favorite little song of that era went, "What's the time, Jime, you big ball of slime?"

     Kevin's name for Troll Dolls. It has something to do with our Aunt Mary Margaret, with whom he sometimes did not get along as a child. He's crazy about her now, and I think he's a little embarrassed of this one. He won't tell me exactly why Troll Dolls are "Margarets."

Menstrual Institution
     Where Kevin threatens to send any of the female members of our family for behaving inappropriately.

Orock Orama
     Our current President. (Did you know he once suffered from the Dibbles?)

     Little bits of fuzz or lint that shed off fabrics and carpet. A noxious nuisance.

Sheltie on the Bone
     "Come in, she said, I'll give you shelter from the storm," sang Bob Dylan. In Kevin's ears, it was, "Come in, she said, I'll give you a Sheltie on the bone."  Apparently at a dog BBQ, leaving the bone in makes it a delicacy.

Squirt Apple Cherries
     Green apple squirts. Diarrhea, basically.
(I'm so used to Kevin using this phrase that I've co-opted it myself and I couldn't remember the original. I had to look it up. I couldn't remember what word came first. May I offer a piece of advice? Never do a Google search for "euphemisms for diarrhea." Here's hoping the Patriot Act people never get a glimpse at my browsing history. Or maybe they should. Serves 'em right.)

     Kevin's imaginary girlfriend and the mother of his imaginary child, Wilson.  While I've never had the privilege of meeting Stacy, she appears to be one unholy bitch. She never lets Kevin have Wilson for the holidays and seems to be doing her best to keep him away from his imaginary extended family. Last I heard, Stacy had a new boyfriend and was moving out west, taking Wilson along. I should also mention that we're not supposed to encourage the Wilson stories but I cannot help myself.

     One summer when we were vacationing on Seneca Lake, a stray dog walked by us on the beach. Kevin took one look at the dog and then told our cousin, Jennifer, "That is a nice dog. I think I'll call him Ted." Jennifer now has a dog named Ted. Coincidence? I think not.

     Genteel term for lingerie and other women's underpinnings. As in, "Don't leave your untouchables thrown all over the floor where I can see them! Jeez!"

Vanilla Smiles
     See Dibbles.

     See Stacy.

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