Monday, October 24, 2011

Inka, binka, bottle of stink

Working with seniors is always ... interesting.
In my nearly three years at my place of employment, I've seen the woman whose pants mysteriously disappeared everyday after breakfast (seriously- we NEVER found them), a woman who liked to wear the plastic wrapping on a bouquet of flowers as a headdress, and the gentleman who was fond of telling pretty, young volunteers, "Hey, honey, if you come up to my room, I'll show you my trophies." With accompanying eyebrow wiggling.

The other day, I was walking by the elevators and saw a resident standing in front of the up or down elevator buttons. She was tapping them and repeating (in a stage whisper) "Eeny meeny miney moe. Catch a tiger by his toe. If he hollers, let him go. Eeny meeny miney moe. My mother told me to pick this one right here." Followed by "Come on, UP!" She was playing the elevator buttons like a slot machine.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Of drunks, portable radios and ears of corn

2:13 a.m.
A man on First Street reported a loud party going on. The people were advised to turn the down the music. They agreed to quiet down.

What an agreeable group of partiers!

2:33 a.m.
A man on Bridge Street said a man was passed out in the doorway of Steven's Paint Store. Parents were called to pick up the subject.

A "man"? How old was he if he his parents were asked to come get him?

10:48 a.m.
A woman on Elm Street said her neighbors let their dog out every morning and it barks and wakes her up. Police spoke with the owners who said they'd keep it on a leash.

Yeah, that'll stop the barking.

12:57 p.m.
A woman on First Street said her neighbors yell and scream profanities all day long. She was advised to call when the noise was going on.

First Street does not sound like a nice or quiet place to live.

2:50 p.m.
An East Second Street man said a woman was walking up and down the street yelling into a portable radio.

6:08 p.m.
An East Third Street resident said neighbors were in a shouting match over a boundary dispute. Officers spoke with the neighbors, who agreed to build a fence.

Seriously, if we could only tap the negotiation skills of the Corning police force, there would be peace in our world forever.

10:04 p.m.
A woman on Pulteney Street said a man with a warrant out on him in New Jersey was driving around in a black Cougar.

11:20 a.m.
A motorist said ears of corn were blocking traffic at the intersection of Pulteney and Bridge streets. The Department of Public Works was notified. Fire and place officials assisted at the scene.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Eggs apparently weren't worth the price of the carton then

This Sunday was quite the wild night. Eggs must've been super-cheap in Corning at this time for folks to be using them recreationally.

2:44 a.m.
An officer reported that two cars on East Fourth Street were egged.

5:35 a.m.
A caller on East Second Street said a woman was standing outside and yelling that she was going to kill everyone. The woman was gone when officers arrived.

6:12 a.m.
A caller said a woman on Pine Street was acting crazy.
(Makes you wonder how close Pine Street is to East Second Street.)

9:30 a.m.
A man on East Fifth Street said his car was egged for the third Sunday in a row.

10:26 a.m.
A woman on East Third Street said her car was egged during the night.

11:38 a.m.
A woman said she offered assistance to a black labrador at a red light, but that the dog jumped in her vehicle and wouldn't leave.

You asked him in- you didn't think any farther than that? Next thing, he's gonna ask you for a steak & his name on the lease.

2:50 p.m.
A man on East Second Street said a woman was walking up and down the street and yelling.

Not actual crazy woman, just photo representation.
She gets around.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Of ticks, name changes, and police blotters ...

A few things:

1. I went for a glorious hike yesterday and took a million pictures of all the cool cliffs I climbed up, the creek I walked along and the things I found along the way. On the icky side, I found a tick on me. Still creeped out. Don't wanna talk about it.

2. Seeing as discarded underpants seem to find their way into my path NEARLY EVERY WHERE I GO, I've been contemplating changing the name of this blog to Discarded Underpants. I'm still kinda disillusioned about the "Hamchuck" thing since I found out about it's origins. 

3. When some friends were over awhile ago, we trotted out my Corning Leader Police Blotter collection.  I'd forgotten how funny they were, so I'm going to feature some of them here.

A little background- back in 1998/1999, the local newspaper in Corning, NY, The Leader, was being criticized for not alerting its citizens to criminal activity in the area. (My parents used to subscribe to The Leader because our local paper is only an afternoon edition, and by that time of day, they didn't care any more.)

The Leader apparently responded by directing some hapless staffer to print nearly every item of the Corning police log every day. I've personally seen the police blotter (more on that in a bit) and the items are written very tersely, very "just the facts, ma'am." This Leader staffer, who has remained unidentified, took it upon him/herself to "jazz" the items up a bit. The result? Hilarity. I started collecting them after my mom pointed out this first gem to me:

5:21 a.m.
A person at Dunkin Donuts said a man who thought he was the devil wouldn't leave.
The alleged demon had left by the time police arrived.

I eagerly scanned each day's edition of The Leader for gems like this and I wasn't disappointed. I started clipping them and collecting them in a little book, with the idea that it would make an amazingly funny novelty book. I contacted The Leader about permission to reprint and was swiftly and irreversibly rebuffed. Those items were the property of The Leader and they would not give me permission to reprint. I could, however, reprint the original police reports they were written from, as they were public information.  That's when I went to the Corning Police Department and saw that the real gold was in that lowly underling's genius as he/she crafted those complaints into comedy gold. 

So, in lieu of my original intent, I'm going to be mining my little scrapbook for these police reports and print them here. Narny, narny, narny, Corning Leader.