Batman Jose & Polar Bear Ninjas

The Nike Training Club app I use to work out has this feature that allows you to use your own playlist and music during your workouts.  This is great because one of the biggest problems I've ever had with workout

videos was the terrible music that accompanied them. The NTC workouts are hard enough without having to deal with Katy Perry or Ariana Grande or that Bruno Mars fella who, as much as I can tell, just wants to be Michael Jackson. If I'm going to struggle through wood chops and push ups and planks, it has to be some angry punk or high-octane Bruce Springsteen. Iggy Pop, not Iggy Azalea.

I know. "Squat Party" makes me giggle too.

But I also like some 60s music.
? and the Mysterians' 96 Tears, the Kinks' All Day and All of the Night, Eddie Floyd's Knock on Wood, even some Jerry Lee Lewis works for me.

The other day I was struggling (and swearing, I freely admit) through a medieval torture device called 'plank walks' when Jay & the Americans' Come a Little Bit Closer started playing. I misheard the lyric I always get wrong and started laughing, collapsing on the floor. (I waited for the Nike lady who periodically shouts out encouragement or directions to scold me.) It's one of my favorite mondegreens.

A mondegreen is a misheard lyric in a song. The term comes from an old song which contains the lyric "They slew the Earl of Moray and laid him on the green." It was commonly misheard as "They slew the Earl of Moray and Lady Mondegreen."

The correct lyric in the song I was listening to is "She belonged to that man, Jose."
What I hear is, "She belonged to Batman Jose."

It's silly; mondegreens often make no sense, but that's what's fun about them, I think.

One of the most famous mondegreens is "S'cuse me while I kiss this guy" instead of Jimi Hendrix's intended "S'cuse me while I kiss the sky." It shares its name with a website collecting submitted mondegreens and a book as well.

Here are some of my favorites:

 "I want a piece of date bread."

(The Ramones- I Wanna Be Sedated)

 "You make the rice. I'll make the gravy. But it just may be some tuna fish you're looking for."

(Billy Joel- You May Be Right)

 "See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen."

(ABBA- Dancing Queen)

 "Steak and a knife. Steak and a knife."

(Bee Gees- Stayin' Alive)

 "Let's pee in the corner, Let's pee in the spotlight."

(R.E.M.- Losing My Religion)

 "This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus"

(Fifth Dimension- Age of Aquarius)

"Cheese corn."

(Hall & Oates- She's Gone)

 "There's a bathroom on the right."

(Creedence Clearwater Revival- Bad Moon Rising)

"I've got shoes, they're made of plywood."

(Grease soundtrack, You're the One That I Want)

I think the best part of mondegreens is imagining someone singing them- their head thrown back, totally getting into the song, then singing lines like "Hit me with your pet shark!" (Hit Me With Your Best Shot.)

In the book I'm writing, one of my main characters is always mishearing things, lyrics especially, and I've really enjoyed writing the scenes where she's caught singing the most wrong, absurd lyrics possible.

Do you have a misheard lyric that confounded you? Share it in the comments if you like.

Mine for years was Bobby Brown's Every Little Step, a song I didn't even like, but I was totally befuddled by the line I heard as "No matter what your french fries tell ya, we were made to fall in love." I had this image of an obviously mentally imbalanced girl who took dating advice from food.

Kind of like Lane Meyer in Better Off Dead when he's left to his own devices in the kitchen.

Olive You A Latte

I love love love Valentine's Day, for reasons I've written about at length here before.
I love the candy, I love seeing red and pink everywhere, I love the flowers, but I especially love the cards.
I still have the card from my first valentine's flowers (from my daddy) and one of my most prized possessions is the Valentine's Day card my parents gave me after our house fire when I was ten.

But there's nothing like a good pun to really make a Valentine's Day card awesome.
Punny cards have been around forever, but some plays on words haven't held up to the test of time. Or in some cases, our culture has changed enough to alter the meanings and make what was intended as an innocent sentiment considerably darker and inappropriate. Or just plain offensive. I came across some truly horrifying cards when I was trolling for vintage valentines; I only included one here, and it's a milder one. No need to taint the holiday with that kind of garbage.

And if you're looking for some cool valentines cards for your "significant otter," check out benkling.com/valentines. He has an awesome line of valentines cards with famous dictators ("Leon Trotsky Thinks You're Hotsky") along with historical & literary figures, like the Harriet Tubman and Vladimir Nabokov ones seen here.

But first have a laugh (and maybe grow a little uncomfortable) with these odd and inappropriate vintage valentines.

 

 

Don't you need somebody to shove

Fifty shades of valentines?

Wow. Threats. How romantic.

That's hardly the artwork I would expect to go with that sentiment.

Current events in the news make this one wince-worthy.

 

 

You're acting like a brat

Is this some kind of meat-on-meat violence depicted here?

This hot dog is not going to give up easily.
By the expression on its "face," you can tell that wiener is motivated to interrogate.

Not sure what the jar of pickles is about to do here. I'm hoping it's just going to slather the hot dog with that mustard-coated knife. But they both look way too weirdly excited for it to be that innocent.

I hope he's sharing those "weenies" with his little bird friend.
Because he sort of looks like the kind of kid who might add a little "poultry" to his barbecue.

 

 

 

Pleased to meat you

Anyone else hear the echoes of Ralphie's family from A Christmas Story scream-laughing over their Christmas Goose at the Chinese restaurant when you saw this one?

Hello, Valentine. Goodbye, right thumb.

I'd keep a close eye on that wee farmer whose heart you're tromping on, Bessie.

 

I fear the wurst for this valentine.

 

 Come out of your shell, valentine

 

 

Kale me maybe

 

 

Just plain weird and/or creepy

It meant something different back then. I hope.

How long before this dummy loses patience with this kid? I think he's 3/4 there already.

Cute sentiment. Terrifying execution.

NOOOOOOOOOO

Wow. Did people really give insults to one another on Valentine's Day?

Story of my life.

Uhhh.....

 

 

And presented without comment:

The importance of a toothbrush

I can't find a way to write this without sounding like a smug a-hole, but in the past couple weeks, I've been kind of overwhelmed with people telling me they've seen me on tv. My aunt and uncle in Florida, my cousin in North Carolina, a friend in Seattle, high school classmates, college pals, colleagues, even residents at work have told me they've been seeing the ad I appear in for the Red Cross lately.

I'm not a person who likes the spotlight; I'm uncomfortable receiving attention, so hearing people say, "I saw you on tv!" is kind of discomfiting. Even more perplexing are the people who only caught the end of the ad or didn't hear most of it- one person asked if I knew I was on tv, another asked if I was in the ad because I'd been through a fire, and the best is my dad, who saw it while I was briefly at their house and yelled at me to come in the other room and check myself out. I declined and assured him I was well aware of what I'd been saying on national television.

Here's the back story- a couple years ago, the Red Cross put out a call asking for people's "Red Cross Stories." I wrote a little paragraph about how for years I kept the box from the comfort care kit I received after my childhood house fire as a place to keep my treasures and remember the goodness of people. The Red Cross folks liked it, interviewed me on the phone, ran background checks to make sure my story was legit, then asked if I'd like to have my story be part of their campaign. They sent a photographer to take some pictures and gave me a package with a video camera and instructions. (See video above. My package on our filthy stoop is in there.) I filmed a little bit, went home and interviewed my family and tried to get some shots of the neighborhood where our house was. I included some photos of the aftermath of the fire and sent the whole kaboodle off to the Red Cross.

They first ran the ad about 3 years ago, as well as posting it on their website. There were a lot of other Red Cross stories that were really gripping- people who survived floods, received a blood donation, saved a life thanks to CPR and First Aid classes, or survived other disasters, including house fires. (I recommend checking them out.) This past fall, they asked me to sign another release to keep using it. I figured it was something they did automatically. Then about a month ago, they started really churning this sucker out, and apparently, my little video is now everywhere.

My sister's room

Which I'm okay with (obviously, or I wouldn't have signed up for this) since it's a good cause. There have been a bunch of really terrible house fires in our area recently and hearing people's struggles to get back on their feet reminded me of how important the work the Red Cross does is. Most folks think if you have home insurance, you're set. Have a fire? Lose everything? Well, too bad about the memories and keepsakes, but insurance should replace it all, right? Not even close. For one thing, no insurance will ever replace everything you had, and it's important to remember that it's the insurance company claims adjuster's job to give as little of the insurance company's money to you as possible.

Note the melted light fixture

You have to fight tooth and nail to have covered what you've been paying all along to have covered. Our house was so unstable after the fire that it was condemned and had to be torn down, no chance of renovating or even rebuilding. Yet the claims adjuster on our case insisted the house was not a total loss and refused to pay out what we should have received for a home that was no longer habitable according to the police, fire department, etc. So the help the Red Cross provides is more important than you might think.




When I went to my parents' house with my Red Cross video camera and got my family all in one room

1st floor smoke & water damage

to talk about our memories of that night, I learned a lot of details I hadn't known before. My dad talked about standing out on our lawn in that terrible cold in the middle of the night watching his home burn down, and all of a sudden there was a guy all bundled up against the cold standing next to him. It was Gene Jacobs, the director of our local Red Cross. He asked my dad if we had a place to stay, and reassured him that they could take care of that for us if we needed it. And he handed him a check to help us get through the next couple days as we figured out what to do next. It was probably about 2am on a Sunday in February, on one of the coldest nights on record in years. He easily could've waited until the sun came up or sent someone else in his place. But instead, he got out of his warm bed, bundled up and went to stand on that snow-crusted lawn covered with firefighters' gear and burned stuff that had been thrown out the windows, to stand with my dad and offer him not only tangible proof that there were people looking out for us, but his own support and concern for us as well. I think that's utterly amazing.

My bedroom

So, whether you liked the ad or just got excited to see someone you know on tv, do something to make it count. Make a gift to your local Red Cross. (I know the commercial is for the national, but I believe in keeping your money in your own community.) If you've got a couple bucks to spare, let them use them to help out your friends and neighbors when trouble hits.

Because there are a lot of folks- and probably more as winter goes on- who will be standing on their own lawns looking at a burned-out building that used to be their home and wondering how on earth they're going to get back to normal. Give so that they have someone standing by their side in the cold, offering help and support. Give because there's another little girl trying to sleep on a neighbor's couch but wide awake from the trauma she's just been through and only starting to realize that everything she's ever called her own in her whole short life is gone. Give so that when she receives that comfort care box, toothbrush and all, she gets that physical reminder that not only will life be normal and good again, but that people are good, too.

PS- Don't forget you can volunteer or donate blood too!

Baby, you can drive my car… but maybe you shouldn't

When I started my current job about 5 1/2 years ago, one of the things I was most excited about was that I could use the city bus system to get to work. I tried it a couple times my first winter when the snow was really bad. The next year, I decided to completely give my car up during the winter and if it went well, I'd sell my car in the spring. I haven't had a car of my own in about 4 years and it's been awesome.

Up until recently, the bus picked me up just past my driveway at about
8:52am and delivered me to the front door at work about 3 or 4 minutes later. And did the same in reverse bringing me home. The total cost of my daily commute was about $2.66. (The bus route has changed starting this month, but just adds a block or two walk to get to my new stop, nothing major.) I bought a carshare membership last year too, so now when my husband's car isn't available to borrow, I can use the carshare car that's kept in my neighborhood as well.

It's really worked out great for me. Prior to being a bus-rider and carshare-er, I had a 14 year old beast of a car that was eating a couple hundred dollars every quarter in repairs, not to mention the cost of gas & insurance and all that crap. I had to spend at least 15 minutes letting it warm up (and usually digging it out from all the snow) before it could handle the 2

minute drive to work. Which was a total waste of both gas and energy.

Sure, relying on public transportation takes a little bit of forethought. You need to have your moves planned in advance. But that's a good thing. It requires you to think about where and when you're going and do so in the most efficient way possible. I've learned to lump all my errands together when I have the opportunity, as opposed to making multiple trips for one or two things.

Of course, there's the environmental impact. I'm really proud that I've taken one car and all its emissions off the road.

And I enjoy riding the bus. I like to leave the responsibility to someone else, especially if the roads are bad. For a people-watcher and writer who is fascinated by characters, the public bus system is a veritable GOLD MINE. It is also just about the only way I will make it to work on time. Left to my own devices and not the bus schedule, I'm almost always a couple minutes late. But if it's the bus taking me, I have no choice but to be on time. Which I do greatly appreciate. It also forces your attention to stay focused on work. Once delivered to work, I have to stay there until my bus arrives to get me. There's no popping out to pick up treats at Dunkin Donuts or grab a latte at the coffee shop up the road. To do so using the bus would mean a major chunk taken out of my day that I really can't justify. But when I have a car at my disposal (and not the carshare car which I am charged for the mileage) I'm free to be as gadabout and spontaneous

with these excursions as I like. Which is not good.

My husband went to Utah for a conference/film festival this week, leaving me with the car. I was late just about every day to work; I ducked out whenever I felt like it to swing by the aforementioned Dunkin Donuts or Dolce Delight. And I nearly crumbled under the responsibility. Did I remember to lock the doors? What if I parked too close and the people in the next car scrape the door? Did I remember to close the garage door? What if the roads are slick from the snow coming down right now? I realized how many worries are taken care of for me or are not applicable when I ride the bus.

And my winter coat does not help matters. I have a heavy, calf-length fleece-lined winter coat that is a

godsend in the bitter cold weather we've been experiencing. When you're walking to the bus stop, then standing outside waiting for it to come by, you need to be bundled up well. However, the big bulky coat does not make getting into Brett's little Honda Civic very easy. I have to sort of fold myself into the seat in the tortilla of my winter coat and inevitably it elicits an audible grunt out of me that is really none too attractive. (Getting out is a sort of combination of frail elderly person who needs help coming to a standing position and morbidly obese person who can't bend over very well. Again, not the best way to make an entrance.)

So now that Brett's back from his trip, I'll gratefully go back to riding the bus this week. When you're not behind the wheel of a car very often, it can be nerve-racking when you are. You get out of practice; things that would've been instant and instinctual need to be consciously thought out. Not that I'm a danger when I'm on the road, but unlike most people who regardless of ability insist they are excellent drivers, I'm fully aware of my limitations.

To be truthful, I've never liked driving. I put off getting my license until two months before I turned 21 and I really only wanted it so I could get into bars. I took Driver Ed in high school (is it Driver's Ed? never was sure). We had a larger group for classroom instruction and then broke into two groups for driving time, boys and girls. The four girls in my group were by no means experts. One girl never could figure out where the indicator was for what gear you were in and played that damn thing like a slot machine. It was an utter surprise to her every time- you'd see her grip the handle and know she was thinking, "Come on… drive!"

"No, that's reverse. Try again."

"No, that's park. Try again."

My best friend, Mrs. Schmenkman*, was in my class and one day she slammed on the brakes so hard to avoid hitting a toad in the road, that it threw us all over the car and left our heads bobbling on our necks.

A couple years before this, I had been out riding my mom's bike and I rode right into the back tire of a moving motorcycle. I wasn't hurt- just flung into the air and landed in the grass on the other side of the road. It was apparently comparable to Pee Wee Herman's bike accident in Pee Wee's Big Adventure (according to my parents and grandmothers who were watching from the big picture window at our house, oy).
 

Mrs. Schmenkman knew this story as we climbed into the giant gunboat of a Driver Ed car our school had. During my turn behind the wheel (sitting on a piled up blanket so I could see over the dashboard) the teacher told me to go ahead and pull out onto the road. As we were going along, the teacher told me to relax and just "drive like you'd ride a bike." Mrs. Schmenkman started screaming and looking out for motorcycles.

* not her real name.
** Disclaimer: I did not take any of these pictures. You would be amazed at what you find when you google "weirdos on the bus."