P is for...

Only known documented image of Penny.

P is for Penny.

Not Gary Rith's adorable dog or the claymation chick on Pee Wee's Playhouse.

Not Penny from Big Bang Theory or Penny Marshall or Penny Lane.

Penny is my alter ego. She is also sometimes simply known as "Her."

Penny is sort of my Inner Hulk. Penny does the opposite of what people think "Kerry" would do. Penny will only talk to annoying people at parties through a hand puppet named Atomicat. Penny is so good at Wii Boxing that it makes Brett afraid (more than a little channeling Mike Tyson there). Penny can give you the evil eye with the best of them. Penny will call you out on your bullshit and make you feel like you were just scolded by the most vicious Catholic school nun you've ever met.

Penny also sort of talks like the Hulk: "Penny not know where you go with this joke, but if say "bitches" one more time, Her smash you face."

Penny is a lot like Evelyn Couch's TOWANDA in Fried Green Tomatoes. "Righter of Wrongs, Queen Beyond Compare!" Having an alter ego that subverts people's expectations of you is quite enjoyable. Often, Penny is more the real me than what people see. If you're usually pretty quiet, people get surprised when you do things like lose your temper loudly, punch, and get tattoos. I think the part I liked most about getting my first tattoo was how damned surprised everyone was that I had done something like that.

I keep Penny in reserve, however. Both because she's frankly exhausting, and also because I don't want to lose the element of surprise. Penny is a weapon that must be handled with prudence and caution. It is however, the name I always use when I'm ordering at ShortStop. (Because you never ever use your real name at ShortStop. Never.)

But I've had other names as well. When I was little, I also for a short time went by the name "Kenny." This was, however, solely an issue of practicality, as I couldn't seem to make my "r"s not bend all the way over into "n"s and it just seemed easier to me to change my name than to work on my penmanship. Eventually I got the hang of the letter N and didn't need Kenny anymore, although the name still amuses me.

In high school, my best friend and I called each other "Mrs. Schmenkman" for reasons I can no longer recall.

And as you've read in the header, my dad calls me "Hamchuck."

But sometimes, nothing else will do but "Penny."